My forever battle.

   So I'll just put it out there. I've always struggled with body image. It's something that I probably will ALWAYS struggle with. Even before I had children, I was in a constant battle with myself to be skinny. Not healthy. Skinny. I starved myself. I worked out too much. I binged, and purged. I had an eating disorder, and I will always have the brain of a person with an eating disorder. When I look in the mirror, I don't see the same thing that other people see when they look at me. It is what it is, and it's something I am constantly at war with myself over. 

   After I had Poppy, I bounced back quickly, though I was very uncomfortable with the stretch marks and... other things that motherhood had done to my body. Sometimes when I looked in the mirror, I saw only those flaws, and felt as though I was something monstrous. After Flynn, the weight loss took longer, but walking, nursing and eating healthy did the trick. After I had Avalon, I began to lose the weight and was almost down to my pre-pregnancy weight when our family was hit with some very hard blows. Like a binger does, I found comfort and solace in eating, but the mother in me couldn't hurt the body that I was using to nourish my infant daughter. Since I couldn't purge, I gained A LOT of weight. In a matter of 10 months, I didn't even look like myself. That Christmas I saw a myself in a photo and I was devastated. I decided to make a change. I began working out and eating the right foods and I lost 70 lbs :) But I still wasn't healthy.

There's fat Lauren in all her glory!

There's skinny Lauren, looking skinny.

   Being healthy is MORE than looking skinny. Being healthy is taking care of your body, loving your body for all of the amazing things it does for you. Being healthy is NOT beating your body down until it behaves or looks a certain way. It is NOT crying when you see yourself in the mirror, or stare down at the scale. I don't think I've ever been healthy, really healthy, and I don't know if I ever will be. I don't know how to even begin. But I'm going to try, and failure is simply not an option. The stakes are way too high.

   You see, sweet Avalon was born missing a copy of a very important gene. The gene is called SH2B1. To sum it up, SH2B1 helps the hypothalamus work like it should. Avalon's body can't sense the signals sent by leptin and insulin. She doesn't feel "full" like other children and her body stores fat more than others. Because of her chromosomal deletion, she is also hypotonic, which means that her muscles are weaker than typically developing children. Avalon will always struggle with her weight. She is doing well right now, and has only gained 2 lbs in the past year, but I don't know what the future brings. Simply put, I am mothering an amazing child whose body will betray her. I don't know if Avalon will be healthy as she grows, or if her weight will become harder and harder to manage. But, regardless, I want Avalon to love Avalon. I want Poppy, who is thin as a rail, to love Poppy. I want daughters who will look in the mirror and smile. I want daughters who will grow into women that don't see what I see when I look in the mirror at myself. 

    I teach my children to write, because I know how to write. I teach my children to ride a bike because I know how to ride a bike. I teach my children to love others because I know how to love others. But how can a woman who doesn't love herself teach her children how to love themselves?? I see the stakes and it scares the living daylights out of me. If I don't learn to cherish myself, I will fail. The sense of self-worth that grows in them is as soft and delicate as  a small blossom on a cherry tree in spring. If I don't change, I will blow it a way with the storm that rages in my own heart, not intentionally, merely because of proximity.

    Being as hard on myself as I am, I find it hard to do things for my own good. But I will do this for my children. I will take in food that nourishes me, and doesn't hurt me. I will use my body in ways that make it stronger, and don't destroy it. I will use words and language that build them, and me up. I will not ask my husband if my jeans make me look fat in front of them, or talk about calories and things that are "fattening." And maybe some day I will find a way to stare openly at my reflection and feel peace, not pain. 

    And yeah, lately I am not feeling like the best me that I can be. I know that I am not strong right now, that I have been eating things that don't make me feel good, and I really need to take a look at the way that I've been treating my body. I need to make positive changes, but it's hard to do that when weight can become an obsession. When being SKINNY becomes an obsession.  I do not own a scale, and that is the best thing for my well-being, but I do need a way to measure my progress. I feel like summing up progress in inches rather than pounds will be a much better measure of HEALTH, not thinness. My goal is to lose 5 inches in a little less than 6 months. That means that I can go slow, and learn how to take care of myself. Setting a goal like this will keep me accountable, while hopefully taking a lot of the focus off of appearance, and putting it on health. I want to lose inches because I realize that being overweight is not healthy, but mostly I want to grow in my ability to see that I am okay, stretch marks and all. I want to be a good Lauren, inside and out. Not just a skinny Lauren this time.

Sushi!!

    Sushi is pretty much my favorite thing on the planet. It is so, so yummy. Sometimes if I've defrosted a piece of salmon for dinner, I just hack off a piece and eat it right there in the kitchen. Om-nom-nom!

    My children are still not quite convinced. I think that seaweed is the barrier here. And fish. Flynn does okay, but my girls are serious wimps. Another thing that I've noticed is the lack of good sushi places in my new little world, which makes no sense because we live 2 BLOCKS FROM THE OCEAN. Well heck, I thought, we'll just have to become master sushi chefs ourselves. So tonight we made sushi for dinner. We started with rolls because they seemed easier and my kids are still not brave enough for nigiri.

I feel like we did pretty good for our first attempt!!

Now to master the chopsticks....

Kind of.

Success!!!

Go Flynn!

Well, maybe next time Avalon ;)

   Now I am stuffed and happy, and ready to keep this going. I figure if we keep making sushi, eventually everyone will be on board, and then we can make it EVERY DAY!

How to make butter!

    Today we made butter!! I must say, I wasn't convinced it would work, but it did!!! The ingredients are very simple, only a pint of heavy whipping cream, and a pinch of sea salt. We used a hand mixer.

    You pour the ingredients into a bowl and mix on high for a long time. A really long time. You keep thinking "Damn, this is so not working, why did I think this would work?? Shit, this is just going to be a giant greasy mess and then everyone is going to start crying because it didn't work and then I'll have to pay for even MORE therapy and possibly buy them ice cream to shut them up."

   

 But then it works!!! Oh. My god. The buttermilk separates from the butter. You pour off the buttermilk (I used a strainer to catch all the little blobs of butter) and save it for later (pancakes???).

    Then the fun part (for the kids). You pour cold water into the bowl and squash all the little butter blobs into a larger butter blob. You keep draining and adding new cold water until the water is clear. Also it helps to wear a tiger hat. Just sayin'.

    Then, bada-boom-bada-bing!! Butter! Here is Miss Thang modeling our beautiful butter blob in all of it's greasy glory. Gorgeous!

    Then you slather it all over some delicious sourdough bread, slice up some sharp cheddar and make grilled cheese sandwiches. Yum.

    Making butter opens up the door for some great science lessons as well.

    Here's a cool website that explains the science of butter :)

    All in all, it was a success. I am both pleasantly surprised and full of gooey grilled cheese wonderfulness right now.

Cookies, Sunshine and Slime.

    Today was absolutely gorgeous. One of those days that reminded me why I made this move. People often ask me why we uprooted our family, sold everything and relocated, and the answer is quite long. To be honest, some parts of that story are ugly, or sad, but today it feels like the answer is happy. My kids get to grow up enjoying freedom that they never would have had in Portland. They are growing up surrounded by so much beauty, and I am so thankful for that.

    I got off of work today and cleaned the house a bit. Avalon and I decided to bake some cake mix cookies, which are so easy and fast. They're my go-to when I want to make a treat and not exert myself. I open up a box of cake mix, add two eggs, 1/2 cup of butter, whatever else I want to throw in (chocolate chips, nuts, raisins). Then I bake them at 350 degrees until they look done. They always turn out crispy on the outside and fluffy on the inside.

Avalon helped me whip up a batch before the big kids came home. Chocolate chip fudge. 

I think she approves.

We are a "live dangerously and lick the bowl" kind of family.

Then off to the beach we went!

It was in the low 50's and just absolutely gorgeous.

I think Flynn needs a haircut.

We fooled around for a few hours....

Then walked home. Those are our mutts, Django (named for the musician) and Cricket. They are both rescue pooches and I love them even though they are insane and sometimes make bad smells.

Django is a poodle/heeler mix, and he brings 1/2 the beach home with him every time we go.

Slime was today's basket activity. It was fun and the kids loved it, but I have no idea why we chose pink. It looks like the stuff that chicken McNuggets are made out of. Probably tastes the same as well. I know that I promised the birch trees would be done today, but they aren't. Maybe tomorrow.

The Basket

    I have a hard time finding things for the kids to do before dinner. Basically, I suck at keeping the kids engaged right after school, before daddy comes home. I always WANT to think of something cool and awesome for the kids to do, and usually my brain (the one that wakes up at 4 AM to go to work), well, it fails me. Even if I DO think of something awesome, we don't have the right supplies, or enough time... you get the idea.

    Today I had an idea, and I think that it's something I can stick to. I find a neat art project, science experiment, activity or recipe. I print out 5 every week. On grocery shopping day I collect supplies so we have them readily available. Then I fold up the slips of paper and put them in a basket. After school, when the kids have had snack and played a bit, they pull one piece of paper.

This is the basket in all of it's tacky-ass glory. I used puff-paint, okay? Shut up.

Today Avalon got to pull the mystery activity!

Beautiful birch trees! 

    The kids ripped strips of masking tape and stuck them to watercolor paper. We got to talk about negative space, and thought about how stark birch trees look in the Winter. Once the strips of tape were adhered to the paper, we used watery tempera paint and made a wash over the paper, creating a Wintery evening sky. Then we sprinkled large grain salt over the wash, which apparently creates the appearance feathery snowflakes as the paint dries. Tomorrow we will brush the salt off and see if it actually worked, which I doubt, because that stuff never works for me. Then we will remove the masking tape and paint the birch bark. To be continued.....

Beautiful Poppy, just because.

View from the back porch. Those are cranberry bogs. Whenever the sky takes on warmer tones in the morning, or evening, Avalon shouts with joy "Pink sky for ME!!!" It's one of my very favorite things on the planet.

Meet us :)

This is us. It's okay to be intimidated by our good genes. 

This is my first blog post ever. That is my awesome family. Here's us in a nutshell:

Josh and I have been married for (almost) 9 years. I round up because marriage is HARD. We have been dating since I was 14 (that was a long time ago). Josh is funny, very smart, and sometimes aggravating. Josh works very, very hard for us :) I love him a lot.

Poppy: My firstborn is poised, funny, polite and pretty much the smartest person I know. She is also GORGEOUS, fashionable and silly. She loves to read and..... read. Yeah, pretty much just read. She also enjoys singing to her radio alone in her room and rolling her eyes at me. I had her when I was 19 (gasp!) and she has taught me so much. She was such a good baby, so good that she tricked me into having TWO MORE.

Flynn: A middle child and the only boy. More drama here than his sisters combined. He is very, very smart, and has a gift with words. The things that come out of his mouth leave the family in stitches. He is hilarious and has a very sensitive heart and a strong sense of morality. Strong inner compass with a flair for impulsiveness (did I mention drama??) Very artistic and loves to be outside. Cuddle bug with a sweet smile.

Avalon: My baby girl is so sweet and smooshy and cute. Very, VERY, smart. Also hilarious and gorgeous. Avalon was born with a small piece of one of her 16th chromosomes missing and was diagnosed with 16p11.2 microdeletion syndrome when she was three (click here to learn more about 16p). She is one tough cookie, and works hard every day to overcome her struggles. She is pretty much the bravest person I know. 

Me: I am in my 20's. Just moved to the Washington coast from Portland. I love coffee and beer. I sometimes can't remember how to spell or do grammar, deal with it. I swear on the internet because it just builds up inside me all day and "rats" doesn't cut it. I started this blog because I feel like I have always been mediocre at everything I do. Blogging will help keep me accountable to the things that I want to do more of, like "clicking in" and spending time with my kids doing activities, gardening, exercising, photography, doing crafty shit (what'd I tell you?) and putting effort into meals.

That's it for now :)