25 ways to achieve an hour (or 15 minutes) of alone time.....

   Sometimes it's rainy, and they've been 2 feet away from you for the past 6 hours. Sometimes you have to do things like make dinner, or sit on your ass and eat bonbons, or spend an hour on hold with the cable company.... you know, that kind of stuff. Grown up stuff. Sometimes your whole world seems to be covered in booger slime, banana peels, and crustiness.

Some days look like this.

Oooooh, and this.

And this.

And this.

Or this.

Or this sadistic kind of nonsense.

And oh god. This.

And perhaps this.

And maybe even this.

Yes that happened. That was a "thing".

      Sometimes you just want to run away and join the circus, but before you do, try some of these. I DO NOT promise a whole hour, you might get 15 minutes before someone gets hurt, or needs to poop or breaks something...Some of these might require "supervision" (pff, supervision). You know, some of these activities might be dangerous, or "irresponsible", or "not age appropriate", or may make a huge mess that you'll be cleaning up after your kids forget that they are supposed to be stuck to you like velcro and come running to hang off your leg... But that isn't the point!! The point is getting anywhere from 5 minutes to OVER AN HOUR To YOURSELF. 

1. New playdough. Three colors tops. Don't stress about the colors mixing. Your whole kitchen drawer of random crap that isn't sharp or dangerous (use your own judgement). Boom. They will not move.
2. Every blanket and pillow in the house on your living room floor. Who KNOWS what will happen?? It might be a fort. It might be a teepee. All I know is that it will be awesome until they realize that they are actually feral and perhaps cannibalistic, and turn on one another.
3. PVC and tiny marshmallows. War. It helps if you have mutts who will eat ALL the marshmallows off the floor. Or kids who eat marshmallows off the floor. Make sure you mop first and know the Heimlich maneuver, okay kids? Yeah maybe skip this one.
4. Frosting, graham crackers, chocolate chips and popsicle sticks (mix it up with all kind of other small tasty things you can find). You will find that there are two kinds of kids: Picasso, and the kid that doesn't actually create anything and has a pile of saliva-coated popsicle sticks to show for their work. Either one will be pleased by this activity. Way not healthy. 
5. A new DVD! Woah! You might even get a cool 90 minutes if the planets align and they are exhausted. Oh! Oh! Oh!..... Fantasia will put them to sleep, or into a trance. Works like a charm.
6. Whipped cream war. In the backyard. I can't guarantee that it won't turn into a bloodbath. Might be fun to film. Hose them off before bringing them inside.
7. Bag of daffodil bulbs. Cheap trowels. Let them go plant them willy-nilly outside. Where will they pop up!? It's a mystery! They also double as a good way of determining whether or not you need to mow if they end up in your lawn! Everyone is happy!
8. Buy the break-apart horrible-for-you cookies, tell them that you will bake cookies if they play in their rooms with their toys like you did when YOU were a kid and what is wrong with kids these days anyway?????? Eat half the cookie dough raw while sobbing on the kitchen floor. Bake the remaining cookies. Enjoy silence. Dry tears. Emerge like a butterfly from a cocoon.
9. Purchase and wash some weird-ass clothes from goodwill. Purchase some dollar store makeup. Instant salon/fashion show/Rupaul's Drag Race. You're a GENIUS.
10. HUGE cardboard box. Crayons. It could become a house! A tardis! An insane asylum. You don't know, and you don't care. They are quiet.
11. Pillow hot lava. Move coffee tables, throw pillows on the floor, explain rules. Leave. 
12. Hide and seek! Say "Go play hide and seek." Leave.
13. Bug jars. Open the back door and send them out into the big wide back yard to find the grossest and most terrifying things you can imagine. 
14. Chalk (I always forget about chalk! Why? It is such a winning product!)
15. Tell them to wash your car. Dish soap in bucket of water, old t-shirts torn up, hose on low. It could be raining! Who cares!? They will love it.
16. Pasta necklaces! So ugly. So time consuming.
17. Bath tub, shaving cream, bathing suits. Sit right outside of the open bathroom door so you can see them and can make sure that they are not in distress. Bring headphones and a book. If they call to you or gesture in your direction, give them a withering look and return to your book.
18. Magazine picture mosaic! Cardstock, bowls of watered down elmer's glue, paintbrushes, magazines to rip. This might become frustrating and horribly messy, or it might go well! It's like Russian roulette. Live on the edge, put on some sunglasses, give it a try. You're edgy.
19. DON'T LET THE BALLOON TOUCH THE FLOOR! OHGODOHGODOHGOD!! Seriously kids, it's important.
20. Shaving cream on the kitchen table. You can say that it's sensory play if it makes you feel better about your life and morals. It's fun, time consuming and smells pretty good.
21. Let them trace one another and color themselves in. You need BIG paper, or the back of ugly wrapping paper, which is usually white. Then you can cut them out and hang them in your children's which is something that good parents do.
22. Hot and cold. Find a smallish object. Have one child hide it while the others close their eyes. Then they do the whole hot/cold thing. Explain rules. Leave. If they scream from the other room shout back "Mommy is having ALONE time!!! Why doesn't anyone ever care about ME!?" pretend to start bawling. They will slink back into the shadows.                                                                             (may come up in future therapy sessions.....)
23. Paper bag puppets. Googly eyes are neat.
24. Newspaper war! May result in lifelong grudges.
25. Legos.

     Some of these activities might be frustatingly tempting to enjoy. DON'T GIVE IN TO THAT TEMPTATION! Sit on your butt, watch it unfold, or be vaguely aware that it is unfolding. Don't let them drag you into their fun like little, furry, sticky, undomesticated soul-stealing lemurs. Your butt needs to sit. Your ears need to rest, and that's okay. For the rest of you, who this may have bothered, who think that every waking moment needs to be spent within inches of your child, I have sheets, literally SHEETS of motivational stickers that I purchased from the Dollar Tree. They say things like "You're a star!" and "Way to go!" and you know what??? They're all yours.

    Just kidding, totally join in.